But I didn’t want a Daddy

When I started exploring the world of kink, I adamantly denied wanting a Daddy. Freshly out of undergrad, I’d explored Philosophy of Woman and other such world-expanding courses (I grew up Fundamentalist Christian), and I was afraid having a Daddy would keep me or pull me back into an inescapable cesspit of patriarchal crap.

{I apologize now to all the Daddy/little pairings out there; really, to all the Big/little pairings out there, and Big/middle, and etc. I didn’t know as much then as I do now. And of course I don’t know as much now as I will ten more years from now.}

As I explored, I found myself wanting to submit and craving praise. I found a lot of people craving to dominate and to punish, for various reasons. And I found a lot of people who wanted to Daddy or Mommy me, and who also wanted to punish me. Additionally, almost all sources on Daddy Dominants I’ve come across have included some element of punishment/discipline as a ‘must’ for Daddies.

The thing is, I’m a self-punisher, somewhat like Rory Gilmore:

Punishing me would be redundant, and, given a particularly not-fun childhood, potentially harmful.

So I actively stayed as far away from Daddy/Mommy/Big types as I could, even as I looked for a Dominant.

When Zyn and I started dating, neither of us put ourselves into a kinky context. We joked that he was my experiment in vanilla. Over time, we began dabbling with exhibition/voyeurism, threesomes and moresomes online, etc.

When we kissed and I took a selfie of it for the first time, he lovingly called me a brat. Surprised and intrigued, I waited to see if I could provoke that reaction in other ways. It turned out that playful things would elicit such a reaction.

I’d never thought of myself in brat-like terms. The brats I knew of in the kink world did things like glittering their Dominants’ crops and sass-talking. If I did something like that, I would probably also cry while presenting whatever thing it was to my Dominant (not a crop–I’m not a masochist, but whatever thing) and already have a shiny new one on the way from Amazon Prime.

When he moved in, he began to ‘care’ for me more, for two reasons: 1) my chronic illness began ramping up; 2) his nature began to show through more. My spouse already took care of me to the extent that she could, but she was going through her own transition and desperately needed to take care of herself.

The more Zyn cared for me, the more  I began to tease him about being my Daddy, and the more he would laughingly call me brat. He told me he calls me that because he knows I’m not a brat.

In between the teasing, we discussed it. He doesn’t punish me, ever. It’s not in him to punish, and it’s not in me to be punished. He’s sparing in his words of praise, so when he hands them out they feel worth receiving. He remembers the treats–I love Toblerone and KitKats and My Little Pony. He started randomly buying me My Little Pony plushes, and when he can he buys little gifts (how he shows his love). On the roughest days, I want to curl up in his arms. To me, he feels like a safe wall of warm strength and calm, with big pillowy arms. I know he won’t lash out unreasonably. I know I can seek his advice and it will be well-reasoned.

By the same token, he never treats me as anything less than a person with a brain. He’s proud of my accomplishments and cannot wait for me to do more. He’s patient with me as I work through my illness(es) and mental issues. He’ll expect more from me as I get back on my feet.

At some point in my life, I might not need for our relationship to be like it is now. He might not, either. We’ve talked about that, too.

But for right now–I feel like he’s my Daddy. And he calls me his girl. And even without the punishment part, that works for us.


One thought on “But I didn’t want a Daddy

  1. This is Brilliant!

    I have two comments, the first is that out of respect for all of the wonderful Mommys and baby boys out there, I have adopted the generic term “Caregiver” for when discussing relationships of this nature, I still describe my role as Daddy Don, or more precisely Papa, but the generic has the advantage of being non gender based, as well as avoiding a lot of the potential criticisms that those not in these kind of relationships throw at us. Within the BDSM community, D/s is rare, and within D/s, M/s is rarer. The Caregiver/little relationship is an even rarer subset, frequently scorned and maligned, and I am doing my little part to try to combat that.

    Now on to the real comment! I am a Daddy Dom, my baby girl calls me Papa, but you have hit upon what I believe is a key concept, and a necessary characteristic of the Daddy Dom Archetype. A Daddy (or Mommy or Uncle or Auntie) Dom simply provides what his girl (or boy – see why I have adopted the term “Caregiver”) needs to give their little what they need. With a great many littles this means spankings or time outs or writing lines, but is some, this rarely or never happens.

    I guess what I am trying to say, is while discipline is vital, in some relationships punishment is optional. It is rare that I punish, in either my Papa/Baby Girl relationship, or in my Master /slave relationship, because I have girls who always strive to be good. I occasionally have to correct, but correcting is not the same thing as punishing. (the difference is another post.) Personally, I reserve punishment for deliberate disobedience or defiance, punishing mistakes only teaches your little to not take chances, and poor performance is as frequently the coach’s fault as it is the players.


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