I don’t know if I should content-warning this or not–but I’ll be discussing my experience of sudden-onset depression pain.
There are days when it comes on fast, strong, sudden, hard. The bottom dropped out from under me, no free-falling feeling, just the hard face-smacking thud of finding new low. Fresh air gone, high walls replacing all that beautiful sunlight. Blank dark walls. The only way is straight forward, if I can walk at all. If I can move. If I can get up.
Breathing hurts. Every breath, every beat of my heart feels like jagged pieces of glass under my skin, piercing from the inside out.
Every move I make feels cutting, hard, edged, wrong.
My emotions go flat, outside of the pain. Is pain like that an emotion? I can’t tell. Or is it a sense, like sight and touch?
Tears come and go, running down my face at the slightest provocation, or not coming even when they really really should. Am I even human anymore?
In the days after the initial smackthumpthud of a hard fall like that, I’m tired. So tired.
I feel cut open on the inside. The glass is there-not-there. It can rise quickeasy to cut again, and it’s there just below the surface if I relax too much, waiting for tender insides to rest on sharp edges.
My feet hurt, like I’ve walked a lot. My joints all ache.
My lungs don’t seem to hold as much air, and breathing still hurts.
My bones feel like they’ve been broken and started to heal; my muscles feel weirdly tight and loose.
Sleep is hard and weird, heavy but in fits and starts.
Tears still come, randomly. Not as many.
I long for everything soft–voices, arms, pillows, blankets.
There’s no timeline on these things. I never know how long they’ll last, or how long it will be between.
Right now I’m in ‘days after.’ I’m not in ‘between.’
I’m terrified I’ll go back down before I come back up. There’s no guarantee of going up before down. These aren’t sine waves, predictable mathematical curvatures. I’m terrified of how far down might be, that I haven’t seen true bottom, that I will totally break. This is the darkest gray right now.