My therapist pointed out that when I see her, I’m really good at being in my head and not in my feelings.
I think I’m like that nearly always, which is part of my depression. I’ve learned to disconnect head and feelings, which hurts–but it hurts less than being in my feelings. When I’m in my feelings, I hurt. When I’m not, it’s…numb-hurt, muted hurt.
I think part of it getting worse is that I don’t have a way to dive into a thing anymore. I used to do that with school. School was a Thing In Which I Could Progress, a thing in which I could immerse myself and be surrounded by all these other voices–current and past, living and dead. I could excel in school because I could put all my focus there and none on myself. It felt good. And I was still doing something ‘appropriate’ and ‘worthy.’
Then I fucked it up.
My final semester of seminary, I TAed for a class. I was also supposed to be signed up to take the course for credit, but I didn’t realize that. I’d been given conflicting information: told that if I was signed up for credit, I couldn’t TA, told that if I got paid I couldn’t get credit, told I could get credit in place of getting paid, told I had to get paid even if I was getting credit. All of these things came from different people, and I tried to fact-check myself, and got what I thought was an answer, so I followed it…but it turned out not to be right.
At the end of the semester–after I’d already been given my school’s highest scholastic award, and after I’d already accepted payment for the TA position (and been in almost every class for that position, as well as my regularly scheduled classes, and written my thesis)–I found out that I either shouldn’t have received credit or shouldn’t have been paid. But if I didn’t receive credit, I couldn’t graduate, and my award would have to be taken away–and the school thought I’d well earned it.
I almost wish they’d taken it away and given it to someone else, because knowing what I know now…I want to give all the money back, but of course it was already spent on groceries/bills.
Anyway, there’s part of me that feels like I don’t deserve to go on to get my PhD/ThD, because I fucked that up.
And because school has always been a ‘safe space’for me in terms of being able to hide…with that option seemingly lost to me, I feel at loose ends. I’m not sure there’s anything out there for me. So…I don’t know what to do.
I wish I could fix it.
I did apologize, so much.
I was told it wasn’t my fault. I feel like it is.
I don’t know what to do.