This image lives on my desktop. It’s not my background, but it lives as an icon, a thumbnail reminder to myself.
And yet, I rarely obey it.
I’m afraid. I am afraid.
I am afraid of my anger. I’m afraid of all the anger inside me that will come pouring out when I open up about all the ugly, unbeautiful parts of my life. I’ve opened up about some of them, but there are more.
I am afraid of others’ reactions–not necessarily those of strangers, though there’s a certain fear of not being believed. I’m more afraid of those I love–what would they say?
And I know, I know: if they wanted me to say nice things about them, they should have treated me better.
But what about forgiveness?
But forgiveness shouldn’t be compulsory, either. And some things cannot be forgiven at all, and some things cannot be forgiven without being worked through. And some things just aren’t forgiveable things, even if I am angry about them, or hurt about/by them. It’s complicated.
I want to be compassionate. I want to be loving. I want to be a good person.
I know that good, loving, compassionate people also get angry.
And yet, there’s so much messaging that says the opposite–that love and anger don’t go together, that compassion and anger don’t mix, that being a good person and being an angry person aren’t the same thing.
I don’t want to be an angry person. I am an angry person. I hate being so angry all the time. I am so sad that I am so angry. I am so angry that I am so sad. And I am so so tired.
I wish I could just let go of the anger. I tried. I tried to just…put it aside. I tried. But that ended up just building walls inside me, walls I didn’t even realize I was erecting until almost too late, until I almost took my life because I cut myself off so far from everyone and everything around me.
I have to deal with all of these things, but dealing with them means being angry, and I really, really don’t want to be angry.