Feeling Violated

TW/CN: rape, sexual assault

I’ll put this behind a cut, just in case.

 

I am not the most recent survivor/victim in our home. My wife is. But I am having some issues with sex, ever since she was assaulted.

And, it’s not ‘sex with her,’ particularly–she’s ace, and our cuddle life has always been on point. And that’s still fine and good.

But it’s sex…in general. With other partners. With my steady committed partner, Drew/Scott, or any long-distance partners. I’m feeling rather ace about it all myself. Maybe apathetic is a better word there, since ace is an orientation.

I feel some desire, sort of, but then if it comes to being with another person in that manner…I think I’m scared.

Which…after my own assaults/rapes, I mostly reacted by going to this place where I was hypersexual. So I guess now I’m going hyposexual?

I don’t know if I’m empath-picking up what my wife is feeling, or if this is a way I’m dealing with her having been so hurt on my watch, or maybe both?

I don’t know.

I know I hurt, a lot. I love my people. I think they know that. And also, this feeling sucks.

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